what have i done

and the certainty and resolve and obsession that he had felt about the aliyah up till this point vanished in a flash

it happened

in twenty-sixteen

in eilat

close to the military checkpoint

at the entrance to the town

it was

the most heartbreaking moment

of the aliyah

one day after

barukh and his family

arrived in israel

one day after

they left hungary behind

the country that

fred and babush

the boys aged eleven and ten

had never left before

one day after

the family moved to a continent

they had never visited before

it happened

on the first day

of their new life

lajos

one of the four hungarian cowboys

in the arava

drove barukh’s family around

in his van

showed them

the desert

the date plantation

the red sea

eilat

every time

they got back in the van

after they had seen the sights

lajos reminded fred and babush

to fasten their seat belts

but fred and babush

did not pay much attention

to seat belts

it wasn’t them

who wanted this

this aliyah

this new life

fred and babush

didn’t want to go anywhere

they wanted to stay

with their friends

and grandparents

in hungary

there had been

so few certain things

in their wretched lives

in budapest

so little consistency

so little predictability

so little security

they felt

that even the little

they had

was taken away from them

their parents took it away

fred and babush were

angry with barukh

angry with J

angry with the world

they were angry

with 

eilat

lajos

the van

and the seat belt

angry with each other

barukh knew that

obviously

but

he had no idea

what immense fear lied

in the soul

of his sons

deep

under

the anger

he realized

this

only

then

on the first day

of their new life

in eilat

barukh so recalls

that it happened

at the entrance to the town

close to the military checkpoint

neither fred

nor babush

fastened their seat belts

perhaps

one of the cars

in front of them

braked suddenly

or a soldier stepped abruptly

in front of the van

barukh doesn’t remember

the only thing

he remembers is

that lajos stepped on the brake

and they got thrown forward

barukh and J were restrained

by the seat belts they wore

babush hit the back of the driver’s seat

but fred

fred...

sat in the middle

nothing was in front of him

that could have blocked his body

as the van suddenly decelerated

fred were thrown forward

from his seat

head first

flying 

between the two front seats

bbbbffff

fred…

he knew exactly

that what happened

happened because

he hadn’t fastened his seat belt

so after the impact

he settled back on his seat

with swift movements

dutifully

and only then

he started to cry

quietly

he cried

obediently

diffidently

ashamed

there was no anger present

any more

only terror

and then happened

the most heartbreaking moment

of the aliyah

for barukh

babush

who had been held back

by the driver’s seat

at the sudden deceleration

simply sat

for a second

unnerved

staring at his big crying brother

and then

threw himself at him

hugged him

and pressing his head

onto his brother’s chest

burst into tears

that did it for fred too

hugged his little brother back

and he also burst into tears

so they clung to each other

hugged each other hard

sobbing

frédi…

frédi…

repeated babush

his voice breaking

as he sobbed

fred

didn’t say a word

just sobbed

and sobbed

and held onto his brother

they sobbed

with deep pain

mourning their lost lives

they clung to each other

as those who have no one else

in the entire world

they clung to each other

as those who can’t afford

to lose each other

barukh looked at J

then back at his sons

and the certainty

and resolve

and obsession

that he had felt about the aliyah

up till this point

vanished

in a flash

what have i done

he asked

himself

---